May 31, 2010

Corporal Punishment- Back By Popular Demand

Consider the following conversation:

Me: So what do you think we should we do when you and Sam call each other names?

Mia: Ooooh! You could wash our mouths out with soap.

Sam: Yeah!

Me: Really?

Mia: How about... you could spank us!

Me: OK, next.

Mia: Ummm, send us outside for 24 hours?

Sam: No, for 500 hours!

Me: {eyebrows furrowed} Any other ideas?

Mia: Oh, I know! You could ground us for a week!

Me: Just try not to call each other stupid OK?

As I walked away thinking I had the most naive children in the history of humankind, it suddenly occurred to me:

Wait, did I just get played?

I'm quite sure they were high-fiving behind my back.

May 20, 2010

I Can't Sleep, Must be Time for Random

This random-style post is inspired by Tiffany. If you don't read her blog, you should.

  • It's only midnight.
  • It's not even late for me.
  • Normally I wouldn't be bothered by being awake at midnight.
  • Except I went to bed at 10.
  • Which is really early for me.
  • I was just sure I would fall asleep this time.
  • I tried to pressure myself into it.
  • That's where I went wrong.
  • I should have known that would never work.
  • Peer pressure really doesn't have much of a hold on me, even the self-inflicted non-peer kind.
  • In fact, usually the more popular something is, the less interested I am in it.
  • I still haven't joined Facebook.
  • Twilight? I'm on Team Gag Me.
  • The "everyone else is doing it" argument works well as reverse psychology for me.
  • Except when it comes to my sock drawer.
  • As I'm throwing socks in and coercing it shut, I'm always thinking Everyone else does this right?
  • Organizing your sock drawer by color and type is just a myth right?
  • I just toss the athletic socks right in there with the dress socks, with the nylons with runs, unmatched striped socks, socks that haven't been fashionable since the Clinton administration, socks I never should have bought in the first place, my "skinny" socks, and the ones with holes in the toes.
  • Wool, cotton, synthetic blends; they all co-mingle in a gloriously disorganized jumbled mess of foot-coverings.
  • Tell me I'm not the only one with this shameful secret.
  • Really, it's important to me.
  • I knew you'd want to know why.
  • Actually, I've no idea.
  • But perhaps it's a result of growing up in a religion that encourages a detachment from the entire "outside world", but at the same time demands complete conformity within?
  • But that's just a guess.
  • It would explain my ambivalence for whatever everyone else is doing outwardly, while harboring an obsession with every one's secret inner lives and the current condition of their sock drawers.
  • It's a paradox.
  • Actually, I love paradoxes.
  • They're so messy.
  • Like sock drawers.
  • And religions.
  • And secret inner lives.
  • They keep things interesting.
  • So, really, is your sock drawer a mess?
  • Cause that would really make me feel better.
  • And then maybe I could go to sleep.
  • But don't tell me to go to sleep.
  • That will never work.

May 12, 2010

All In a Day's Work

So, besides awesome giveaways, what have I been up to lately? Nothing much. Just keeping my kids alive. No, really.

Just a few weeks ago, I left Mia and Sam in the bath unsupervised for no more than 3 minutes (they do, after all, know how to swim), and Mark walked in just in time to stop Sam from plugging in a fan and putting it in the bath with Mia. We had a new vocabulary word that day: electrocution. Also neverevereverdothatagain.

Then there was the time that we were getting ready to go for a walk, and Sam alerted me that the stroller (with Nate strapped in it) was rolling backwards down our very steep driveway and into the street. Sam still talks about the funny look on Nate's face as he watched me sprint after him like a crazy woman. It's unclear if there was foul play involved.

A while back I found Sam trying to open a box with a pair of scissors. After I helped him open it and reminded him about our scissors rule, he was silent for a minute and then said, "I cut my eye." What? Sure enough, his left eyelid was cut. I'm so glad I didn't see how close he came to stabbing his eye out.

Yesterday we found Nate walking around with a pair of scissors, open and against his throat. They were kids scissors, but still-- the fact that his first instinct with scissors is to hold the blade against his neck is beyond scary. How did he get the scissors? I don't know, but I'm willing to bet Sam was involved.

In fact, Sam seems to be the common denominator in all these stories, along with an appalling lack of parental supervision. But let's focus on Sam for the time being. Specifically Sam and scissors.

Exhibit A:

Well, that's the only exhibit for now, but I'm sure they'll be another one soon. When that happens, I'll be sure to post a picture, as long as it hasn't been confiscated by CPS as evidence.

As long as we're on the subject of Sam, you might be interested to know that his current life ambition is to be a duck.

I'm glad it doesn't involve doing anything with a blade.

And just for fun, here's a recent memorable quote from Sam:
(Be sure to read it in your most belligerent 4 year old voice)
"Here's a story: Once upon a time I was going to get a mom. I was really excited to get a happy mom. And instead I got a mad mom and I didn't like that. The end."

All I can say is, I'm sorry Sam, life doesn't always have happy endings. But as I recall, you did survive through that day. I'm going to hide the scissors now OK?

May 10, 2010

And The Winner Is...

Actually, I should say winners.

Because every one's a winner. Except on this blog. Here there are only three, and depending on how you look at winning a bag of yarn, it might only be 2. So here are the totally randomly generated results, which were unfortunately not at all influenced by food bribes.

The coveted Bean Burger recipe and the Gallery of Regrettable Food book goes to: TV Mom.
Katy gets the Tiny Bag of Yarn.
And, the home-made soap goes to Kirstin.

Look for your prizes in the mail (or on your porch Kirstin) soon!

In case you are interested, the reject with the most votes was #2: It's Time We Had a Little Talk. I have to say I was pretty relieved, since that hopefully means I didn't offend or alienate too many people, or get kicked out of many wills. I'm still in all of your wills right?

Thanks for voting, reading, and winning! Forget what I said earlier-- you all are winners on my blog. Because seriously, I don't allow losers to read my blog.

(And if you haven't already, go here to vote in the 2010 TOADYS. Which toy did you vote for?)

Since They Always Say It Goes By Way Too Quickly

Here are a few things I don't want to forget:

This Kind of Happiness:
May 7th, 2010, 1 PM. Swinging spidey-style at the park with my boys.

This Mother's Day Note:
This non-photoshopped moment:

This belly button:

This Conversation:
Sam, half-asleep one morning: "Mommy, why don't you ever fart?"
Me: "Well, everyone farts. Just not every one's are loud and stinky, like Daddy's."
Sam: "Oh, mine aren't loud and stinky either. They're just kind of like peace and quiet."

(What, did you think I was going to go all cheese ball on you?)

Happy Mother's Day!
What do you want to remember?

ps- Voting ends tonight!

May 4, 2010


So my rejects series has come to an end, and I think we all learned a lot. My personal take away lesson: if I don't post something within 3 days, I need to delete it and move on. Well, maybe I'll give myself a month. OK, 6 months top. Oh, seriously, who am I kidding? I'll be doing this again next year, I'm sure. Like I said, it was mostly for me, so before we get back to our regular brand of sarcasm and witty euphemisms for laundry, I've put together a little something for you. Yes, this post is all about YOU, as opposed to all my other posts which are all about me. And when I say it's all about you, what I'm really saying is that it's all about me, but in a very indirect, roundabout way. You know what I mean? So, to say thanks for enduring my little blog cleansing, we here at Bardsleyland are proud to announce our first ever giveaway! Vote for your favorite reject and you'll get a chance to win some seriously amazing things. Things like, a hand-written copy of my family's Bean Burger recipe(!), which you will never actually want to make, and which could never be complete without a slightly used copy of this book: The Gallery Of Regrettable Food. It's a complete package.

But wait! That's not all! We've also got a tiny ziploc bag of brown yarn to give away! Only the best blogs are giving those away right now.

And if you thought that was all, you don't even know. We're also throwing in some home-made soap. Because not only do we here at Bardsleyland want our readers to practice good hygiene habits, we also believe that the best gifts are the ones that you never have to worry about throwing away because it disintegrates a little bit every time you use it.

And that's how much we appreciate you!
(We really do. And by we I'm talking about myself.)

In case you forgot, here's a list of the contenders:
Reject #1: I Don't Like to Flaunt, But Sometimes I am Just Brilliant
Reject #2: It's Time We Had a Little Talk
Reject #3: Would You Buy This House?
Reject #4: Love it!
Reject #5: Deep Stuff
Reject #6: Put it in Vinyl
Reject #7: My Blog Rules
Reject #8: Weekly Thank Yous
Reject #9: 4 Bus Stops a Day
Reject #10: Rant: File Under "Things That Drive Me Insane"

And guess what? This giveaway is not just open to current employees of Bardsleyland and their immediate family members. It's open to everyone, whether we know you and/or love you or not! Leave a comment with your vote by Sunday, May 9th. The winner will be chosen randomly and not just by whoever promises to make me a delicious chocolate cake. Vote for your favorite, vote for your least favorite, vote for your mom-- just make your voice heard.

And in case you just can't get enough of democracy theses days, it's also time for the TOADYS! Remember last year? This year the toys are even better, I mean worse. Go here to cast your vote for the worst toy of the year. Here's what I voted for:
It's the Little Tykes Young Explorer. A cubicle for 3 year olds! And for only $2,599!

Happy Voting!